Chapter 7

BEYOND THE PALESKI

Chapter Seven

All too soon came winter - and it was only autumn. Maybe it wasn't winter to the locals but it was winter to us and by the second week in October, when my daughter Sarah came to visit us from Australia, we were already wondering how we were going to stand the next few months of intense cold. Autumn had been beautiful but in the space of three weeks the leaves on the trees had changed colour and fallen. We'd been saving autumn to go mushrooming and go for long walks in the forest but suddenly it was all over and it was winter in everything but name.

The winter weather came overnight. One day the temperature had been plus eight degrees Celsius and the next it was down to minus ten. The wind came with it too, an east wind sweeping in from the steppes that made minus ten degrees feel colder than minus twenty on a still day. It was a cold snap which lasted for only six days but made us realise just how cold, cold could really be. Expressions like bone chilling and frozen to the marrow had, up until then, been nothing more than that - expressions. But now I knew that I'd never been really cold in my life and I knew too that mid winter was still weeks away.

The cold snap ended as quickly as it had begun, the thermometer went up to minus four during the day and the wind stopped completely. It was getting ready to snow. Alicja opened her eyes at around six one morning and seeing a new lightness coming through the curtains got up to investigate.

-Peter, Peter, wake up quick. Come and see.

-What's wrong?

-Everything is covered in white as far as you can see, all the houses, the fields, everything.

-Perhaps god’s finally managed to ejaculate.

The World outside was covered by half a metre of the cold wet white stuff and Misha was in her element. It was her first snow and she was a snow dog. I don't know how she knew she was supposed to be a snow dog but she did. It was already programmed into her.

As soon as I let her out of the house she ran around in circles stopping every now and then to push her snout down into the snow, rolling on her back and then leaping to her feet again to continue lapping the garden. She kept this up until exhausted and then slowly began to excavate a tunnel which she lived in for nearly four months refusing to enter the house or use the kennel I had spent so much time and effort in constructing. Sometimes there would be heavy snow falls while she was in her tunnel but she always managed to dig herself out and she did high speed circles in the garden every day probably to warm herself up before disappearing underground once more.

Shortly after the first snow of the season I was working in the barn watching Misha's antics from the window when Marek came around to see me. He was unshaven, half cut as usual and had obviously peed his pants. It was a sad sight. A man still in his early forties but with a face so wrinkled that anyone would have put him at sixty. His hair was all over the place, his forehead grazed, no doubt, from falling over in the road, one front was tooth missing and one of his coat pockets was hanging off. By this time I'd installed a wood burning stove in the barn to allow me to work in the cold weather and I had a kettle on the go. I lifted the boiling kettle to make him a cup of black coffee while he took his coat off and stood swaying with his back to the stove with me watching closely in case he should fall and burn himself.

I poured the coffee and turned to hand it to him when I noticed that he was sporting a new top. Emblazoned across it in English were the words "Exiting Designs For Trendy Young Girls." I've always been a compulsive giggler and I'm afraid the situation got the better of me. He didn't know what was written on his top and it was no use trying to explain to him what it said, he was too far gone, but I put the coffee down on a stack of wood and laughed until tears came. Marek was in fits too but, of course, he didn't know what for. Marek had come to see if I'd finished with his saw bench which had been standing in our yard for a month or more and I asked him if I could keep it for another two days. I wanted to saw up our old garden fence which had been stacked up outside the animal house ever since Ivan had put up our new fences. I now had a heater in the barn and wanted to burn the old fence in it to keep warm.

He agreed and as I was busy he said he'd find someone to saw it all up for me -probably cost you two bottles or so but you can sort it out with them when they arrive.

The someone, a young couple, turned up shortly thereafter and I showed them what I wanted done and left them to it, adding that they were welcome to come into the barn to warm themselves up whenever they liked and to have a cup of tea. I knew the girl, her name was Ania and she was the daughter of Gienek who lived only four doors away. I'd never seen the boy before and he introduced himself as Andrzej. He was from Zywy, a village about five kilometres away. We agreed on a price for the job (they didn't want vodka) and they set to, Andrzej sawing and Ania bringing the wood up to the saw bench for him. They quickly had a system worked out and were making very fast progress as I wandered in and out of the outbuildings looking for any other old wood to add to the pile to be sawed. I'd been back in the barn for a while when they both came in holding an old coffee table and a small book shelf and they asked me if these items were really to be sawn up. It was all rubbish as far as I was concerned and I said that if they wanted them, they were most welcome to take them home. They thanked me and stayed for a cup of tea and a warm by the fire.

-You must be freezing, I said.

-No, it's not too bad, we're used to it. This isn't really cold at all. You wait until January, that's when it gets cold. Now you can still work in this weather.

They went back outside and worked for an hour or so and I heard the saw bench slowing to a stop and put the kettle back on the stove expecting them to come in for another cup of tea but as they didn't appear I presumed that they'd gone home for lunch.

All morning Alicja and Sarah had been out shopping in town and were unaware that Marek had been to the house or that the old fence was being reduced to firewood but now I could hear the car coming up the drive and Misha bark her greeting so I knew that they were home.

Shortly afterwards Sarah came into the barn and put the wood bucket down on the floor.

-Kitchen stove going out is it?, I enquired.

-Dad......

-What?

-There's someone having it off in the wood shed.

-What do you mean, having it off?

-Having it off, you know, having it off.

-What, you mean?.... they can't be, it's 15 below zero out there.

-Christ Dad I'm old enough to know what two people having it off looks like. They are, they're doing it in the wood shed. Do you want me to draw you a picture or what?

I looked around for a pencil but decided against it.

-Well Dad, the kitchen fire's going to go out soon and I'm not going in the wood shed again to get wood. Here, have a wood bucket. Lunch will be ready in ten minutes.

The saw didn't start up again for quite some time and when it did only Andrzej was there working by himself. Ania, I presume had been too embarrassed to hang around after being discovered by Sarah. The following day they both turned up again and started work and had been at it for a couple of hours when Marek came around again with Gienek, the girls father, to see if they'd finished with the saw bench. I shook hands with Gienek and nodding towards the old coffee table and bookcase which were still standing outside the wood shed, I said

-They asked if they could have those couple of bits of furniture, are they getting married?

-No, they're good mates those two, always on the look-out for a bit of work, they work really well together too. Known each other since they were small kids. No they'll already have a customer for your old bits of furniture I shouldn't wonder. Married? no, not them.

Then looking over towards Andrzej, Gienek shouted above the din of the saw -He wants to know if you're getting married? They both laughed and Andrzej carried on working.

It was a June wedding and when the baby, a boy, was born, Alicja calculated that, in all probability, it was conceived in our wood shed. -What did they call him?, I asked when I heard the news. -Probably Woody like Woody Allen, was Sarah's comment. But the June wedding was still a long way off and we hadn't yet worked out how we were going to cope with winter. We consulted Vladek and Eva about how much wood we'd need for heating to see us through until spring. We also went into town and spent a lot more than we intended on winter clothes for we'd come to realise that the winter clothes we already had were going to be inadequate. We had anti freeze for the car and an electric heat gun sent up from Warsaw. The heat gun was meant for stripping paint but I thought it would be just the thing for thawing out car door locks and frozen pipes.

On Eva's advice we bought two yards of cotton wool which she told us was the best thing for blocking chinks around windows where the cold draughts could come in and for the front and back door keyholes. When winter hit we found that she had been right about the keyholes. An icy blast came through them when the wind was in the right direction and on days when there was freezing rain the keys would become frozen in the locks if left for an hour or so. A plug of cotton wool smeared in Vaseline was all that was required, it was easy to remove and formed a perfect seal.

I was constantly amazed at the effect that Western television commercials and ideas exerted in a place where, until a few years ago, television was used primarily as an instrument of propaganda. Soon after the fall of communism a whole new batch of voiced over Western soap operas and situation comedies started to appear on Polish TV as well as imported pop music video clips and a host of washing powder commercials. Something else that came with it all were the Western style game shows and quiz shows which, for Poles, was something new, a concept in TV entertainment which didn't exist before.

The most popular of the quiz games was "The Wheel of Fortune" a game in which three contestants guess words & phrases from a blank panel which lights up with an extra letter each time a contestant guesses correctly. This program became extremely popular in Poland and everyone in our village watched it - and I mean everyone. It has even effected the traditional pattern of work for the farmers who will make sure they are at home for their evening meal when the Wheel of Fortune is showing, returning afterwards to finish whatever they were doing.

For decades, while hay making was on, they worked until it was too dark to see and then went for their evening meal but this time honoured tradition changed when the Wheel of Fortune made its appearance on TV. Grass cutting & turning, as well as harvesting, has always been a communal event because it has to be done while the weather is favourable and no man could handle the amount of work on his own. They work one man's field one day and another man's the next. But when half the crew say they're going home to watch Wheel of Fortune, there's not much the others can do but follow suit.

So, what's so appealing about Wheel of Fortune? They give away cars!! They don't give away BMWs or even Opel Cadets on the Polish version of the game, just locally produced cars but still, no TV program ever gave away so much as a bicycle pump through all those years of communism. It fascinated the population of Bocwinka to see seemingly ordinary people winning all sorts of goodies, including the cars, for guessing a few simple words & phrases that they themselves could get right half the time before the contestants managed it. Of course there's a bit more to it than that; the contestants are having to perform under a certain amount of pressure and can't see the overall view of the game as well as the viewer at home. But it looks easy.

Stan the poacher's wife Ursula came around the house just after the post had been delivered one morning to ask if we'd be in that evening because she had something important to discuss and while she was sitting at the kitchen table, the school teacher’s wife arrived too. The school teacher's wife was a little uneasy when she saw we had company and said that she wanted to ask a favour but she'd come back later. The afternoon brought two more "appointments" and we couldn't figure out what was going on. Misha had managed to jump the fence for the first time that week and perhaps she'd been after all these people's chickens?

We were curious but also just a little concerned that we may have upset the whole village somehow and it was in the back of our minds all day. Folks in the village are religious and we had a small shrine on our land which some of the older people used instead of a church on Sundays & religious holidays. I kept the grass down around the perimeter of it and the last time I'd cut the grass I'd missed with the scythe and accidentally trimmed a small shrub. Perhaps it was this? Ursula turned up in the evening while we were having dinner and we were relieved that at least she didn't have any complaints. She had written off for an application form to appear as a contestant on the Wheel of Fortune and it had arrived earlier in the day. There were twenty questions with multiple choice answers on the form and she wanted some help with it.

Now, compared with questionnaire, the game on TV was an absolute doddle. There were questions about geography, Greek mythology, film stars, political events, dates of famous battles and all manner of things.

Alicja took a look at it and began to translate it for me. The first question was "What was the name of the dog belonging to the boatman who ferried the dead across the river Styx?" I just happened to know it because I used to live close to a naval base which bore the same name as this dog. Ursula was most impressed but we couldn't answer all of the questions and we told her we'd look the rest up in the encyclopedia and get back to her.

-Where is the river Styx anyway?

-Oh it's just a story, it probably never existed in real life.

-Is it a Polish story?

-No it's an old Greek story actually.

-Oh......that's a hard one then. I mean, if you hadn't read the book you wouldn't know the answer would you?

-No, I suppose not.

-Do you think the book would be in our school library?

-No, I wouldn't think so Ursula.

-So not many people would get it right then. I mean, people here, in Bocwinka?

-No, I suppose not.

-Good. So you'll get back to me tomorrow then? Don't tell anyone I'm trying to get on the Wheel of Fortune though will you?

Over the next week a third of the adult population of our little village came around to our house with these application forms and each person swore us to secrecy. In one case a husband & wife came separately and made us promise not to tell their other halves. Apparently there had been an announcement on the program that contestants were needed and the address given. Almost everyone in our village, and probably every other village in Poland, had sent off for an application form and they had all arrived in the space of a couple of days. By the end of the week I was so used to answering the same questions that people came to look upon me as a latter day Einstein as I rattled off the answers to questions they didn't understand. Zenek came around straight after morning milking having told the rest of the men at the milk collection depot that I'd asked for his advice about growing vegetables.

-Why do you think they're asking all these difficult questions? You don't have to answer questions like that when you're playing the game on telly.

Now, Zenek was a nice bloke, very polite & helpful and when it came to fixing agricultural machinery there weren't many farmers anywhere who could hold a candle to him (in fact there'd probably have been an explosion if anyone had) but he wasn't what you'd call an intellectual giant.

-Well Zenek, I think it's because they don't want, er, um, people on the program who are a bit...shall we say....um.....well, you know, a bit thick if you know what I mean.

-Oh well, I can understand that. Some of them are right idiots if you ask me. They couldn't possibly have answered these questions themselves, they must have had help,... some of them.

-Oh, really? I haven't seen the program myself.

-Yeah, right thicko's some of 'em.

Eva from next door came with her application form and sat in the kitchen.

-I'm going to be on the Wheel of Fortune you know. All I've got to do is answer a few questions and then they'll send me an invitation and I'll have to go down to Warsaw for an audition. Can I borrow some of your clothes Alicja, just for the day, well, just for the show?

-Yes, of course.

She looked at the application form.

-Where's Easter Island? What's a hypot...hypo...hypton....Here, what does this say?

- Hypotenuse.

-Oh...oh. What's that then? I know...... they're those big grey things that live in Africa or somewhere.

-Elephants?

-No no. No...no. Not Elephants, those things with the one horn. Or have they got horns? They stand around in mud all day with birds on their backs, I think it's in Africa.

-No Eva. I think you'll find it's something to do with triangles or something. Look at the three answers they give you to choose from, does it say anything about triangles or animals?

-No, but I'm sure it's an animal - they whiz their tails around when they're having a shit. Anyway, let’s forget that one. There's one about Ajax. You should know this one because it's made in the West isn't it? They sell it in town now but these answers you choose from are a bit funny - answer B says about Paris. Is that where they make it? Is it French?

-Let's have a look at the paper. No, this one's from an old Greek story about Troy which they taught us in school. Ajax and Paris were people. Why don't you leave the paper with us and we'll fill it out and let you have it back?

-That's a bit bloody stupid isn't it - who reads old Greek stories, what's wrong with Polish stories? Do you think all those people who go on the program read old Greek stories?

-Dunno' Eva, but anyway we'll let you have this paper back when we've filled it out.

-OK, good idea.

-What will you do if you win a car then Eva?

-I'd sell the car, wouldn't keep the car. No, everybody in the village would want to use it. I'd sell it and I'd go on holiday - wouldn't take Vladek with me - he wouldn't come anyway, he'd have to do the milking. When you've got animals you can't both go away, not for any length of time.

-Where would you go?

-Oh, I think I'd go to where the sand is........

-Sand?. You mean the desert?

-No, - the sand and the palm trees. You know, Africa or somewhere like on "Miami Vice". I'd sit around the swimming pool all day drinking vodka with stuff in it

-Stuff, what kind of stuff?

-Oh I don't know, that stuff they mix in with those long spoons.

Bogdan was the fifth to appear at the door with his piece of paper. I liked Bogdan because he was a thinker and the only farmer who ever broke with tradition and was prepared to take a chance with a crop never before grown in the area.

-I wonder if you'd be so kind as to help me with the answers to a few questions? I've decided to apply as a contestant on the Wheel of Fortune and I have to answer a few general knowledge questions to qualify.

-Sure Bogdan, take a seat.

-I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it confidential though, I'm not telling anyone about it.

-Yes, I quite understand.

-I think I stand a good chance of getting on the program if I can get all these answers right because I've studied it and I can guess most of the words on the board before the contestants and I have all my teeth.

-You have all your teeth?

-Yes, if you watch the program you'll see that they never have anyone on there who's got a tooth missing.

I wouldn't have thought about it but he was right, you don't see people on TV game shows, or any other TV show for that matter, who don't have a full compliment of teeth. This ruled out a large percentage of the village population of Poland and certainly more than half of the people in Bocwinka. By far the most amusing of our visitors was Mr Miankowski the husband of Mother Miankowska the village herbalist. He was thought to be in his late seventies although he claimed not to know his date of birth and this, it was said, was intentional.

Apparently some twenty years ago the local records library burned down and a census had to be taken to re establish the lost information. Old Miankowski is said to have bought a walking stick, developed a limp and aged 15 years overnight. When the census was completed he was immediately put on an old age pension and had never worked on the farm since. His eyesight was poor and he couldn't read the questionnaire so Alicja read it out. We went through the same old questions in the same old order until it came to the one about Ajax. We were quite taken aback when he knew the answer - in fact he knew the whole story of Troy.

I asked him where he came across this story and we learned that he'd been classically educated in Lvov before the war. I told him that we'd visited Troy and enjoyed the experience.

-I don't believe in archeology, he said.

-No, why not?

-Because it's so easy for them to make mistakes, assumptions.

-Oh, I don't know, it's a fairly sophisticated business these days.

-Well' let me tell you a story young man. When we first came here after the war the German population had left and me and my friend Alexander, God rest his soul, were the first here - Bocwinka was deserted. We were given houses and told to start farming.

Well, we looked around for the best pieces of equipment and started hauling them to our houses but there were no horses. The Russians had taken all the good horses and sent them off to Russia but there were a few lame ones around which had gone wild. Over the weeks Alexander and I rounded up a lot of them and we looked after them to see if, with a bit of good treatment, they'd come good again. Anyway, 13 horses were too far gone and, one by one, had to be put down. We discovered a great big dry well up near the school which had originally been the well for the whole village. There were only the two of us and we lead each horse up to the well and stood it so that when we shot it, it would fall down the well

-Interesting, do go on Mr Miankowski.

-Well, just imagine. In a thousand years time when some archeologist digs it up they'll say that it's two thousand years old and it was the sacrificial burial place of some tribe of horse worshippers.

He'd just flattened any argument concerning archeology I could possibly have put forward.

-If I do get to be on the program do you perhaps have a pair of strong glasses I could borrow? It's my eyesight you see. I wouldn't be able to see the board

-How do you watch the program on TV then?

-Oh, I use two pairs, mine and my wife’s.

-I see you out and about in the horse & cart though?

-Don't have to look when I'm in the cart - old Anton (the horse) knows the way around.

-What if you meet a car down at the cross roads?

-I've still got my hearing remember but anyway Anton would just stay in one spot until it had gone.

It took the best part of a fortnight before we were free of visitors and another week before we were free of radishes. Almost all of the Wheel of Fortune candidates brought us a bunch of radishes and we ended up having to throw most of them out. Radishes, I suppose, are the easiest plants to grow in the garden but there's nothing you can do with them except eat them raw. We went through our cook books searching in vain for quiche radishe, radish a la King, radish soufflé or radish any bloody thing. But no, when God, in his infinite wisdom, created the radish he couldn't have foreseen that we'd invent the cooker.

As for the Wheel of Fortune, nobody from Bocwinka even made it to an audition. I think our geographical location was enough to put the producers off. One look at the map would have told them all they needed to know about Bocwinka and the people in it.